Fuck you and your reading

My cat has decided he hates books.

If I set a book down on my desk/coffee table/misc. surface, he will spring up to that place and immediately knock it off from where it sits. He then looks straight at me as if to say, “Yeah, that happened. What of it?”.

He does not really seem to do this with anything else, (cell phone, beverage, change, etc.) just whatever book I happen to have with me when I come home, or pause reading around the house.

Odder still, is that he does not attack or otherwise interact with books while I’m reading them like other cats I know are wont to do.

Just *bam* “Fuck you, and fuck your book” *purr purr purr purr*.

~John

More Montana or North-er Dakota

I have just returned from Canada, which I affectionately like to refer to as one of the names in the post’s title.

I went with my lady for a weekend in Vancouver. It is mostly chock full of construction for the upcoming 2010 Winter Olympic Games. We regardless saw much of the city, and had a generally fantastic time.

I could go on and on about what a wonderful weekend it was or I could share the one odd thing of note, (and our more sensitive geeks, those prone to night-terrors or bed-wetting may wish to skip this):

MOUNTAIN DEW HAS NO CAFFINE IN CANADA!

You heard me, no fucking caffine in the Mountain Dew sold in Cana-nadiannada. It still had a fuck-load of sugar in it, but none of the beautiful, life-draining caffine that I love.

I grabbed it from a vending machine, ignorant of my fate. I popped the tab, took a swig, and SPEWTCH, spit it out violently. I looked at the can trying to devise what had betrayed my pallet, only to discover written on the back of the can, “Contains no caffine”. I tentatively tasted another sip, and sure enough it still tasted every kind of wrong.

I made my way to the machine that dispensed this obscenity, and purchased a Dr. Pepper to see if it too had been Caffi-strated. Examining the back list of ingredients, I learned that it’s Caffi-ginity remained intact. 

I cannot figure out why the caffine is gone from one and not the other, but it haunts my dreams. Thanks a bunch Cananada, you’re a pal.

~John

A divergent topic – Kind of a two for one

I have begun another, thematic blog here at wordpress.

http://unholyretribution.wordpress.com is my first foray into blogging on a specific topic or theme. It deals with my experiences in the game World of Warcraft.

The idea is that this is a more general rambling, while the other is more focused on a specific hobby of mine.

Please feel free to give the new digs a visit and say hello. As usual, if you have any suggestions regarding layout/design let me know!

~John

Priorities

I have the hardest time in the world prioritizing the things that I want to do, (in relation to aspirations/goals).

The short list:
Be a polyglot
Write and get published
Travel the world
Work in broadcasting, (as a personality).
Be a voiceover actor
Write a novel
Find work I actually enjoy
Blog more

These and countless other things constantly vie with each other as to which to attempt to accomplish first.

How do you prioritize your goals?

Mayheekoh

I will be out of the office until Jan 19th.

I will not have access to email at this time, as I will be too busy with all the drinking, gambling, rampant debauchery, and carousing I’ll be doing.

If your correspondence is urgent, please contact other members of my department. Or you can totally just guess my answer and run with it, (I’ll be in Mexico, so your consequences will not affect me even a little until I return. At which point I’ll be so hung-over I probably won’t be able to hear you complain).

Thank You,
John Swinkels

P.S. I’m totally going to Mexico for a week! Laterz!

Pwned by the N00blet

Vicious Beasty:

teh-n00b

I got my new cat, (dubbed N00b) a couple of weeks ago, and he has grown rather quickly. His new trick is to scale the back of the chair you’re sitting in, (or skitter up your body) to rest at the back of your neck/shoulders. This would be fine if he stayed there all comfy and purry, but not the case.
He sits there getting comfy, then randomly goes straight with a half-hearted, (yet still surprising) nip to the neck. At that point I reach awkwardly behind me to grab the beasty, and he just stares at me and purrs.
I would take this more personally, if he didn’t attack his own tail and toes with the same ferocity.

~John

Of Viciously Amorous Rodents and Men

Instead of making a resolution, I thought I’d acknowledge my heroes and why they inspire me.

I’ll start with the writters.

A couple of writters are probably responsible for a lot of what inspires my thoughts and ponderings. For those unaware, I am a comicbook nerd. The writters I regard as favorites may have a novel or more under their belts, but will likely be best remembered by me for their work in comics and graphic novels.

Those writters being:

Neil Gaiman- I don’t think any other writter I enjoy captures the essence of a myth more than he does. He is also a consumate story-teller, able to weave an intricate tale that doesn’t seem complicated. For me, he doesn’t just suspend disbelief, he makes me question reality.

Warren Ellis – Makes me proud to be an unrepentant bastard. No one else spews acerbic-bile-laden rants so delightfully as him. Recklessly joins horrible, and vile words to beautifully describe just what humans are; miserable fuck-monkeys that have it coming.

Alan Moore - For making dystopian stories epic and meaningful. I don’t know that anyone writes better dialogue than he does. I think he acknowledges humanity in ways that make me approve of others flaws, and tollerate less of my own.

Later, I’ll get to the public figures that inspire me.

~John

A nobody’s review of the ‘Too Human’ demo

What follows is my acount of one run-through of the recently released ‘Too Human’ demo…

‘Too Human’ is a game that many people have waited a rediculously long time to see come to fruition.

Scratch that, no one is actually waiting in any kind of relevant way for this game to come out, as everyone who I know that has brought it up has done so with a casual, “yeah that looks like it might be okay”.

The demo:

In the demo you are treated to the first half an hour or so of game play. This appears to be the ‘prologue’ of the game.

The introductory cut-scene is mildly engaging, but the in-game graphics don’t really feel next-gen, nor do they seem to be of a level of polish worthy of how long this game has been ‘In Development’.

You play as Baldur some kind of cybernetic-god-like-testosterone-laden-badass who’s goal is to discover why some big scary machine is eating people… Not why it’s killing people, that seems to be in-line with normal machine behavior in this setting. No, upsetting is the fact that it apparently must consume the flesh of your fellow human beings, and that it’s not content to merely mutilate or explode them is what has your asshole puckered.

All of the gameplay is centered on executing various Devil May Cry ‘Swordy-Shooty’ combos while leveling up, choosing talents, and collecting various weapons and runes ala Diablo. In fact if these two games had a love baby, then clothed it in a couple of old norse poems they wiped their asses with, and tossed their offspring in a futuristic dystopia you’d have a pretty good grasp of the gist of the game.

Out of five different classes only the ‘Champion’ is available in the demo, and is essentially the hybrid class, (the other four being the Tank, Dps, Crowd Control, and Healer – I cant remember the actual names of the classes but I don’t see how that matters as you cannot play them).

The prologue plot cut scenes are spread-out through the demo, and a really fair amount of time is spent actually playing, wading your way through enemies which fall quickly to either your melee or ranged onslaught of attacks. Sporadically thrown in are one or two mini-boss type battles and a few ‘elite’ enemies to break up the pacing, and ensure your contigent of smarmy npc grunts meet a horrible demise, only to be whisked away to valhalla and eventually replaced with equally inept smarmy npc grunts.

While on paper, this all comes across as painfully mediocre, and not that enticing, I actually thoroughly enjoyed the demo and will give the game an earnest try when it ships. My main problem is that while the story and gameplay once experienced do actually bring something to the table, the graphics really don’t seem to really show off why we’ve waited continuously been reminded this game might someday come out for so long, (with the exception of some lighting/water effects).

If you have a 360, download the demo and give it a try, it’s a good half an hour that might whet your whistle, (read get you to actually care that this game exists).

~John

Try as I might…

I cannot for the life of me stick with an MMO.

I have tried just about every mass-market offering, and many obsure F2P games.

Many of those I have played, I would eagerly recommend to friends and passerby alike.

Some, I would not inflict upon my worst enemy.

I find that the problem inherent in my inevitable disinterest lies in group-cohesion, or the distinct lack therof.

All too often I will get into a game, find a group to play with, (be they people I know or folks I have met in-game) and glorious adventures are had by all. As time goes on however, the group falls apart. Some leave for the next shiny-object filled game, some severly out-pace the group leveling, others remember they have children they haven’t seen in 6 weeks. Whatever the reason, I am left to solo the game. In many of those cases, I have attempted to find a new group of people to oppress didital undesireables with. Most times however, this leads to an unending string of PUG scenarios known for causing madness, malice, and malcontent.

So many games have a unique hook to them I find greatly appealing, losing the group dynamic is a dealbreaker for me though. I find it greatly annoying to pay ~$15.00 a month to solo an online game. I like my ‘alone’ time here and there, but when it comprises 90% or more of my play time, I get irate.

So invariably, I move on to a new MMO that someone tells me about, or that seems to be living up to online hype. The cycle, sadly continues in the new game.

Is this scenario plaguing anyone else? Really start to get into a game only to get that ’stranded’ feeling? Am I making a mountain out of a mole-hill? Will Batman disable the bomb in time?

Leave a comment and let me know how your favorite MMO is stacking up in the group-play aspect. (Oh wait… no-one reads this)

 

~John

…in a handbasket no less!

I’m going to hell.

This will not come as a surprise to anyone that knows me. Nor will it surprise anyone else, as no one reads this blog, (which is just fine, this is more of a self-indulgence anyway).

The most recent reason for my eternal damnation rests upon the feet of my inability to *not* vocalize a horrible idea.

This horrible idea, rife with all manner of wrongness is rather simple. I want to re-create Kubrick’s classic, ‘Full Metal Jacket’ only as a militant wing of the Catholic Church, and call it ‘Full Metal Convent’.

Now that you are done vomiting, I’ll ellaborate on why this will wake me up in the middle of the night, only to giggle with pure glee. The idea of a militant group of nuns is not one of my own concoction, it is a concept familiar to any reader of obscure comic books, or Simon R. Green, and quite a few other authors, (or really anyone who went to a Catholic school I hear).

The crux of the dellicious humor for me, is casting R. Lee Ermy in the movie as the ‘Sister Superior’ or ‘Lead Christ-Bride’ or whatever they call the one in charge, (after God, Jesus, Mary, Glen Danzig, and Bob Villa).

I can’t help but laugh my ass off when I see a formation of battle-grizzled nuns singing cadence as they march, (especially the really dirty ones).

I also have the delightful visual of Mr. Ermy telling this convent to ‘Pray’:

This is my ruler. There are many like it, but this one is mine… (Hillarity I say!).

Or how about this gem? Picture a nun covered in battlefield-grit, cigar clenched tightly in her teeth, launching a righteous salvo of bullets from her M-16 while the camera zooms in enough that you can see WWJD tattooed on her knuckles. Exquisite!

I assure you, there is much more.

So… who wants to give me a sack-full of money to shoot this?